How to learn to say no
Responsive people like everyone. Indeed, it is convenient to have in your environment a person who will always come to the rescue and fulfill any request. But how does he feel about it? Does he act sincerely or just can’t say no? Yes, it turns out that there is such a category of people who do not know how to learn to refuse.
Causes of Failsafe Behavior
If you do not take into account true altruists, most often completely different reasons lie at the basis of sacrificial behavior. Why does a psychological barrier arise in a person who is afraid to say “no"?
For example, parents often refuse something to their child. Especially if you are sure that it is right and will benefit him. Also, close people can agree among themselves if unacceptable situations arise for them. Because in these relationships they are sincere. And they do not play any other roles, do not pursue hidden goals.
It is most difficult for a person to say “no” to those on whom he depends. For example, he works in one team or in front of which he wants to appear to others, to create an impression. He is afraid that disagreement will worsen the relationship or lead to negative consequences. So, there are grounds for this or there were similar examples in the past.
If the requests come in too often, you may have developed a reputation for it, and now others are taking advantage of it.
Insecure individuals do not know how to say “no” to a person if he has done them the honor and asked for help.
When willing to say no, people may fear that they will then:
- lose respect or love from the supplicant;
- cause anger;
- offend the interlocutor;
- will feel guilty;
- seem rude and impolite;
- will receive responses.
In fact, these situations are most often simply far-fetched. But an overly responsive person can really suffer, because the fulfillment of other people’s requests requires time and effort, overshadows his plans, and provokes a constant consumer attitude of others. Reliability does not at all guarantee that he will be more respected, appreciated and thanked. Not knowing how to say “no” correctly, people lose confidence in themselves and become victims of manipulators.
How to learn to say "no" to people
Help is not always useful, sometimes it is even better to refuse. Coping with difficult situations on their own, a person becomes stronger, gains valuable life experience and does not depend on others. Another question is that he does not realize this, choosing the easier path and trying to manipulate others. These people need to be told no.
The ability to defend personal boundaries and set priorities correctly is the key to success. Responsive people are often referred to as weak-willed and their opinions are not taken into account. It is difficult for them to earn respect and trust. Although in reality a person can simply be kind, take the interlocutor’s problems at face value and sincerely want to help, sacrificing their time, wasting energy.
And if someday he is still forced to refuse, those around him will “repay” him with aggression and accusations, because they do not expect such behavior. To avoid this, you need to know how easy it is to learn to say “no”, because psychologists have developed many rules and tactics for such cases.
How to properly refuse
First of all, it is worth assessing the importance of the request: whether the person really needs help or simply does not want to resolve the issue on his own. Parasites need to be "rejected", and the needy can be met halfway.
You also need to understand how much time this step will require, whether there are resources and forces for a good deed. It happens that people wholeheartedly want to help, but do not have the opportunity to do so and are forced to give their last or sacrifice their lives themselves.
If the refusal is expedient, it is important to “present” it correctly. First of all, it must be clear and justified. You need to speak clearly and confidently, without hiding your eyes and not making excuses. It is better to soften disagreement with politeness, to express gratitude for the trust placed, to say a compliment, to sympathize with the current situation. It may be necessary to repeat the word “no” several times in order for the petitioner to hear and understand it. No need to show aggression and even more so to respond to it.
If the interlocutor experiences negative emotions – this is only his choice. The provocation of the conflict can hide dishonest attempts to get one’s way in any way or anger from an unexpected turn in the conversation. Respond to such aggression with kindness. However, sometimes it is worth expressing your irritation if the opponent “goes too far” and continues to insist. If possible, an alternative solution can be offered.
Tactics for Saying “No”
Interpersonal relationships are based on behavioral scenarios. You can move away from them for a while and play a different role, then the interlocutor will be forced to change his behavior.
- "I’ll think about it, I’ll answer later." Such a phrase does not imply an open refusal, however, it shows that consent has not been received, gives time for reflection to both parties and the opportunity for the person asking to resolve their issue on their own. He may not want to apply again.
- “It doesn’t suit me / it’s unacceptable for me (for family, religious and other reasons).” No matter how unprincipled the manipulator is, he is unlikely to encroach on the personal and force him to go against his principles and beliefs. The main thing in this situation is to clearly substantiate this position, emotionally show your indignation.
- Proactive action. If you know in advance that someone might be asking for help, you can get around it by complaining about being busy, having unexpected problems, or not feeling well.
Following the above recommendations, you can practice how to learn to say “no” without negative consequences. And then each subsequent refusal will be given more and more easily, and help will be sincere and unconstrained.