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👨‍👩‍👧 Family conflicts and how to resolve them ⚖️

On Oct 12, 2024

Innochka's mother calls her husband “this one.” “This one”house, huh? “This one” liked it? “This one” is a 49-year-old huge guy with a well-groomed beard, the owner of a small online store, and he hears everything, but says nothing. He cracks his fingers nervously. Mom raised Innochka without a father during the times of shortages and connections. Chinese dresses, German pumps, piano lessons with Sofia Izrailevna, fresh cucumbers in the winter from Vagiz on Dorogomilovsky, a foreign language institute and the first internships in London. She tried, she spoiled, she dreamed. Not about a bearded gadget salesman, but about a son-in-law named James, red-haired, but promising. Mom replaced Innochka's father, now she is trying to replace her husband. Recently she suggested that her daughter quit her job and take care of herself. She said: “I will provide for you! I have savings. They will last for a long time.” Needless to say, Innochka is a completely independent adult woman, the head of a department in a large museum. But her mother does not notice her daughter's success and tries to compete with all her might for the role of head of the family.

Why does competition arise in the family?

Mom replaced Innochka's father, now she is trying to replace her husband. Recently she suggested that her daughter quit her job and take care of herself. She said: “I will provide for you! I have savings. They will last for a long time.” Needless to say, Innochka is a completely independent adult woman, the head of a department in a large museum. But the mother does not notice her daughter's success and tries to compete with all her might for the role of the head of the family. Any approach is considered to be working, in which the family overcomes crises and develops further. The young people got married and immediately agreed on who does what chores around the house. For example, the wife cooks dinner, the husband washes the dishes. They wash the floor on Saturdays in turns.

Stages of family development and crises

A monad is a lonely, independent person living separately.
Dyad – a couple begins to live together and agrees on the rules of cohabitation. The first crisis.
Triad – birth of a child. Second crisis.
The birth of a second child. The third crisis.
Children go out into the outside world (kindergarten, school). Crisis in the family.
Teenage crisis.
Children begin to live separately from their parents. Crisis.
The eighth stage is symmetrical to the second: the elderly spouses find themselves alone again. Crisis.
The ninth stage corresponds to the first. One of the spouses dies. The family life cycle ends.

If the spouses fail to smoothly move from one stage of family development to another, to cope with new roles, then a problem arises. For example, a couple has a baby. The first crisis: the young people are now not just husband and wife, but also parents. However, the man was brought up in such a way that caring for a baby is exclusively a woman's purpose. And the wife does not agree: she believes that partners should bear responsibilities equally. They cannot agree, a struggle for power arises: “Who is the boss in the family? Whose opinion will be decisive?” A support group in the form of parents joins in. Multigenerational families are generally typical for Russian families – when grandparents, young spouses and their children live under the same roof. Or, for example, the newlyweds have moved, but the emotional connection with their parents is still strong, and at every step they need the approval of the older generation. The boundaries of a single family in such conditions are blurred, the roles of its members are confused. Where it is not two but several people who need to agree, there is always a risk of competition.

Who can compete with whom in the family and what to do about it

Mother-in-law and son-in-law

The mother-in-law tries to regain her status as an all-powerful mother, depriving her son-in-law of the opportunity to perform some marital functions. In this family, it is accepted that the husband earns money for expensive things. He also carries out minor repairs around the house and buys groceries. But the mother ignores these rules and gives her daughter money: “Here, buy yourself a normal fur coat, otherwise you always walk around in jackets.” She drags heavy bags home and calls a plumber to fix the faucet. That is, she demonstrates to other family members that she is the main one, without her everyone will perish – she competes for first place. The way the mother actively allows herself to participate in the life of an adult and independent daughter means that she has not passed the seventh stage of family development. The daughter grew up, got married, separated physically and morally. But the mother cannot switch to the monad stage, because “All the best for the children” has always been the motto of her life. Another possible development of the problem: the daughter has complaints about her husband, which she does not dare to voice, and the mother, unable to tolerate her “daughter’s suffering,” becomes the “mouthpiece” of family negotiations.

What to do if you recognize your family

For spouses: – Strengthen your union and create a strong marital coalition.

Express mutual expectations and complaints, if any.
Agree on the distribution of roles, who does what, and is responsible for what.
Accept the rules by which the family lives and in no other way.
Designate family boundaries beyond which even the closest relatives are not allowed to intrude.
Discuss where your mother-in-law's help is needed and delegate these functions to her. For example, take your grandchildren to classes, bake an apple pie on Fridays, or tend the garden at the dacha. Be sure to praise her for her contribution, but not as the head of the family, but as an assistant.

To the wife: – Raise the husband's family status, his authority. For example, give him the right to make the final decision on some issues or transfer responsibility for home improvement: “I should discuss this with my husband before making a decision”, “Do you like the wallpaper? Kolya chose it himself” and so on.

Give your mother a “day off” more often, arrange a visit to the cinema or theatre. Then she will have new topics for peaceful conversations, and the spouses will have the opportunity to do something together, without outside interference.

Father-in-law and son-in-law

The situation may seem similar to the point above, but here the main question is: “Who is the real man in the family?”The effectiveness of the spouse is assessed by his “manly” actions. Don't drink? Ulcer. Don't fish? Weakling. Couldn't assemble a wardrobe by himself? Clumsy. Such masculinity is dictated by the patriarchal way of life, familiar to older generations. As in the case with the mother-in-law, the father-in-law can convey the wife's unspoken complaints to the son-in-law. For example, the young woman is used to the fact that her father always did the repairs in her parents' house. And then a tile fell off in the kitchen, but her husband does not react in any way, although in her understanding he should. Then the father demonstrates the behavior model of a “real man”.

What to do if you recognize your family

For spouses: – Designate family boundaries beyond which even the closest relatives are not allowed to intrude.

Discuss the possibility of involving the father in the arrangement of everyday life in the young couple's home. If the husband is not against it, let the father fix the taps and lay the tiles.

To the wife: – Discuss the accumulated grievances with your husband.

Make a list of things she respects her husband for and voice it. Don't forget to praise your husband and thank him for what he has done.

Mother-in-law and daughter-in-law

The struggle for primacy between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is common. One of the most popular questions on women's forums is “How to put your mother-in-law in her place?” The conflict reaches its peak if the young family lives in the husband's house. As in romance novels, the struggle here is for the first place in the heart of a common man. The mother-in-law raised an ideal and did this, of course, for herself. In her opinion, the son is a god, and there is no worthy woman on earth for him. Therefore, there are always reasons for discontent. If the couple moves out and starts an independent life, various tricks are used to lure the son out of the family nest. The mother-in-law begins to suffer from blood pressure and migraines, and at the same time, her house magically collapses: the chandelier burns out, the washing machine breaks down, floods the neighbors. The young husband has to drop his business and go save his mother. As a rule, such mothers-in-law are the type of women for whom children are the whole meaning of life. The desire to control the son increases when the mother perceives his independence as a threat to herself. Another reason for the confrontation between the mother-in-law and the daughter-in-law may be the husband's dissatisfaction with his wife. The mother says what the son does not dare to voice. Or he finds it difficult to be in the company of his wife, and his mother's requests for help are a valid reason for absence.

What to do if you recognize your family

For spouses: – Strengthen the marital coalition, discuss unspoken grievances, formulate family rules, stipulate boundaries – where and to what extent you accept someone's help.

Clearly distribute household responsibilities if you live together.

To the husband: – Define the boundaries of your new family in a conversation with your mother. Say directly that, like, I love you very much, Mom, and I am always ready to come to the rescue, but let's decide on what days it is convenient for me to help, and on what days it is enough to call. And if we need something, I will tell you about it right away!

Focus the mother's energy on helping the family with other things. For example, cook dinner if the young people themselves do not have time, go with the child to the clinic or to a club – find such an activity so that the mother feels needed, but at the same time provides help only upon request and does not interfere with the rules of someone else's family. – Organize a favorite hobby for the mother, so that she has a place to spend her free time.

Husband and wife

Competition between spouses arises from the inability to negotiate. Since childhood, we were not taught to discuss issues in a couple. My parents had it like this: we got married, now we are saving up for a Zhiguli, then for a color TV and a sofa. The rival was not inside the family, but outside: it was necessary to live “no worse than others”. It is not the time for heart-to-heart talks. The shortage of goods is long gone, but the lack of communication remains. Discussing pressing issues in some families is still not accepted – it seems that everything is clear. By default, the rule of “should”, adopted from parental families, begins to operate: the wife must do this, and the husband – that. Therefore, competition often arises in the categories of archaic distribution of roles – in matters of money and raising children: “You are not only an incompetent man, but also a bad husband”, “You are not only a slob, but also a lousy mother”. One couple I observed ended up getting divorced because the wife bought a car without consulting her husband. The husband took her independence as a personal insult and was about to leave. But if they had initially agreed on how decisions about major purchases should be made, the problem would not have arisen. In a family where there is no competition, everyone clearly fulfills their obligations without controlling the other. Because the manifestation of control can be considered an attempt to demonstrate one's own superiority: “Do you remember that you need to change the tires today?” The subtext of the message is: “You can't do it without me because you always forget everything. I always remember what needs to be done. I am more efficient.”

What to do if you recognize your family

Discuss responsibilities and divide the spheres of influence of each person in the family.
Write an agreement on paper that clearly states what the wife does, what the husband does. And if he doesn't do it, then the other one sits and waits. If you want to prove something to your partner, do 10 squats, do your responsibilities, but don't interfere where the other one is in charge.

Sister-in-law and daughter-in-law

The history of complicated relationships between a husband's sister and wife goes back hundreds of years. People say: “A sister-in-law is a snake's head.” Here you can draw an analogy with a mother-in-law, but in this case there is a struggle not for the heart of a common man, but for the competence of women: “Who knows better how?..” The greatest rage towards the rival is shown by older sisters who babysat the younger brother and replaced his mother while she was at work. The sister-in-law, unlike the mother-in-law, does not consider her brother an ideal man, but considers herself an ideal woman. Therefore, the struggle for power can be established around culinary skills, teaching skills and other talents that in our culture are considered exclusively feminine. Nevertheless, one should not write off the sister-in-law's rightness on some issues. Perhaps she expresses the discontent that the husband does not dare to voice to his wife.

What to do if you recognize your family

For spouses: – Work on ways of communicating as a couple. Look for constructive ways of expressing dissatisfaction with each other.

Establish clear boundaries for the new family and possible reactions to outside interference.
To diversify the spending of joint leisure time.
Strengthen the marital union, where “husband and wife are one Satan.”

To the husband: – Learn to express your criticism of your wife in a way that does not sound offensive and is not destructive to the relationship. – Accept your new role as head of the family and stop being a member of the “branch” of the parental family. To the wife: – Enjoy doing what you do better than your husband's sister.

Give your sister-in-law the lead in matters where she is more effective.

Parent and child

Competition between a child and one of the spouses signals a pathological process in marital interaction. In a functional family, horizontal coalitions operate: husband and wife, mother and father, child and child. When the emotional distance between spouses increases, a dysfunctional vertical coalition appears – parent and child. The latter becomes a consolation for the spouse who is going through hard times in the couple. For example, the husband has problems with alcohol or is often absent from work, the wife lacks communication, and she begins to build an alliance with the child: discusses financial and domestic problems with him, scolds the father of the family for insolvency. Such an emotional connection can become stronger than the marital connection. The child, who is assigned a new role, feels chosen and needed. He is now not just the youngest member of the family, but the mother's support. The daughter or son is trying to prove that they are more valuable, skillful and capable than the distant spouse. Sooner or later, rivalry becomes mutual. It can manifest itself openly. For example, a good-for-nothing father says to his son: “You have clumsy hands, you can’t do anything right. At your age, I already earned enough to buy a bicycle.” Such a comparison restores justice to the parent, returning to him what is “due.” Rivalry can also be expressed in disguise. The mother is always busy at work, the father, who comes home no later than seven in the evening, has dinner with his daughter, and they have a heart-to-heart talk. The next morning, the mother asks the girl: “Won’t you freeze in this jacket?” Behind the innocent question lies the desire to show his superiority: “I know better than you what to wear in bad weather. Without me, you’ll be lost.” This type of competition is the most dangerous for the family. As a rule, all members are satisfied with the current state of affairs, and if the child is relieved of the functional role of the second spouse, then without the help of a psychologist, the family will fall apart.

What to do if you recognize your family

Recreate your coalition, find positive experiences in the past when you successfully coped with the performance of marital roles.
Make a list of family roles, where spouses perform their functions and children perform theirs.
Talk through the feelings, grievances and complaints you are experiencing.
If necessary, consult a family psychologist or sexual therapist.

Sibling children

Siblings are brothers and sisters born in the same family. Sibling competition is one of the most common reasons for parents to worry and seek help from a psychologist. Usually, the concern is caused by the aggression that the older child shows towards the younger one. Jealousy is the basis of sibling competition. For the older child, who is used to being the center of parental attention and affection, the birth of a baby is not a joyful event. With the new family member, you have to share not only the love of the parents, but also the room, toys, and things. The older one is forced to master a new role – an adult and independent child, and sometimes a nanny. This is where resentment, difficulties and rivalry come from. It is impossible to completely eliminate competition between siblings. But several recommendations will help reduce confrontation between children.

What to do if you recognize your family

If possible, clearly separate the children's living space so that each of them has their own place for privacy – what is called privacy in English.
Explain to the younger child that he must respect the older child’s territory and that he must not take his toys or other things without permission.
Teach children to express their emotions verbally, negotiate, and ask for forgiveness.
Distribute responsibilities among children in such a way that they achieve success in different areas and receive praise from their parents for their own achievements.
Use the older child as an example to emphasize his authority.
Increase the amount of time spent with the older child. For example, the younger child sleeps, and the mother draws or reads books with the older child.
Find a shared activity for all family members where healthy competition can take place, such as board games on weekends.

Dead child and living child

A special category should be given to the situation when one of the children dies, and then the second child acts as a substitute. The atmosphere in a family where the loss was not grieved is filled with grief for many years after the tragedy. Parents unconsciously compare the living child with the deceased, cultivating hidden competition. Thus, the deceased plays the role of an invincible rival, forcing the brother or sister to bear a heavy emotional burden. A “substitute” child cannot be themselves. Such children are usually withdrawn and lonely. They have a heightened sense of guilt for their lives: both before their parents and before the deceased. As adults, they often say that it is as if they are “living life in the wrong body.”

What to do if you recognize your family

Talk about a deceased child not as an abstract ideal, but as a real person with all the strengths and weaknesses.
Use alternative means of expressing mental pain: through drawing, dancing, music, poetry. Creativity helps to express and materialize unconscious feelings and emotions even in adulthood.
Contact a psychologist to work with the experience of loss.